walking next to you...

that is what every person i run into says and i just don't like it. i am not big on stress so when it comes, it is overwhelming for me. i went to augies for a couple hours today to do homework. i have been doing this a great deal lately and the more i do it, the more i hate it. maybe hate is too strong a word but greatly dislike for certain. i am trying to finish everything up so that i can graduate in may but the motivation is just not there. i think the panic/anxiety/fear is just getting to me in a way that i have never experienced before. i have been told so many times throughout my life that the evil one will attack me/us in my/our weakest moments and i used to think i never had those...i know, that makes me sound like a terrible/arrogant person but it's not that. i just always thought i had to be the strongest because it was just me and God out there and the whole world was against us and well, i guess i thought He needed my help or something. i know the whole world isn't against me...i actually am a great believer in the idea that i, for the most part, am my biggest enemy... except for the enemy of our Father whom, in reality, is truly the greatest enemy. i just know that sometimes, i just want to leave. leave and go somewhere else. not to run away from problems or issues because lets face it, the things we call problems are silly little things...not even worth the agony. sometimes i wonder why i am doing what i am doing. i know the things my heart dreams about and i have yet to pursue so many of those things. why? i don't know. i need to focus on school work...

alright, so i know this is number three blog of the day but oh well. when i write papers, i find myself looking for ways out... this is one of the ways. i feel as if it has been way too long since last writing about my life happenings. this came to me after reading Jessi's blog... oh what a good one it is, and oh how i wish i could be in florida with her so often. so, here is the latest. life is chaos, if i could think of a more subtle term to use i would but there isn't one. i graduate in may and this whole process leading up to that day is slowly ruining my life....ok, so maybe a little overdramatic... but only a little. i have papers to write and i am finding myself completely unmotivated. i think the only thing that makes this whole thing even worse is that everything is due by the 18th of april... my brain has been screaming at me these past few days... literally. I had to take meds to help me sleep last night... no, i am not a believer in medicated sleep but i had to make an exception. I applied to three phd programs and found out i did not get into two.... i have not heard from the third. these things can really tear a person down. i know we are told that we need to stay above the water but don't we all feel like we are drowning at one point or another? or is it just me? i have been finding myself in a panic these past few days and it has to be one of the most terrible feelings. one thing i know for certain, is that it is during these times that the Lord shows Himself in the truest ways. it is in our weaknesses that He is made strong and i know that it is so easy to pass those types of statements off as cliche, and you know why... because most of the time, they are! but then, here and there, we find that they are the most honest statements because we fall and he is the only one who can gather the pieces and restore the brokenness. i hate times like these but i appreciate them even more.  it isn't that things completely suck even though it may sound like they do, because they really don't, it is just that sometimes we go through tough times. and if you tell me you don't, i will choose not to believe you.

i know this is unusual, but i am irritated with my...macbook. i just purchased one a few weeks ago and yes, i do believe it was a good investment...but i just can't seem to figure things out...for instance, why my photos refuse to upload. that is currently the big issue. so to make up for my lack of photos, here is something someone posted that i borrowed....