Archive for April 2008

learning the ways...

of abandonment. i read this today and i think we all go through this. we should always be living with the mentality that we must decrease in order that He may increase. this is probably one of those things that we like to think makes the most sense but really it doesn't. i read a friends blog a couple days ago and she wrote something very enlightening. she wrote that sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel, is an oncoming train. and how true. sometimes we are looking for that angelic light to come closer, we are so desperate for it. but it ends up being a train and it's coming a million miles per hour and we are not prepared for the wreck. i think learning the ways of abandonment, decreasing so that He may increase, is more like the million mile per hour train. 

but sometimes we have to just experience the wreck. we have to because it is the only way that He can get us to make a move. we can't avoid it so let the train hit and let Him pick up the shattered pieces. when He picks up the pieces, He will get a say in how they are are placed together...i read something else the other day, it come from a book that a dear friend is reading...i discovered i own the book. what a shame that i have not read it as of yet. the passage reads:
"How damaged we are or how far wrong we've gone doesn't make a difference to Him. Our vileness does not alter His character. He is eternal love - the same yesterday, today, forever. We are not what He wants us to be, but we are not unwanted. If we will have Him, He will be our Shepherd."
the part that really stood out was that we are not who He wants us to be. that is so true. i know i am not who He wants me to be, so at times he will bring a train my way, and it will crush me, and after, He will restore me... because i am not unwanted. unworthy yes, but not unwanted.

I read one other thing:
"We readily forget God's 'resting place,' and wander away. Yet He pursues us wherever we go, with no complaint of the darkness, the cold wind, the heavy burden, the steep hill or the thorny path over which He must pass to rescue one lost sheep. His love does not count time, energy, suffering or even life itself."

sometimes we get consumed by life and we forget that there is a resting place in our Redeemer. we do, i do at least. i get so worked up and stressed and you name it. that is when i have to seek His resting place no matter the cost. i cannot be a light to any one if i am living in the darkness of selfishness, disobedience, and the list goes on. 

all that to say, i don't fancy this abandonment scenario. it is too big of a train at times and knowing that you are going to get hit sucks. you want to turn and run the other way, but your foot is stuck in the track so you can't. but it is on purpose that our feet get stuck in the tracks. it is for the bettering of our character, our hearts, our souls. we have to be willing to be wrecked sometimes, probably all the time because in the end, we receive the most beautiful gift, we are not only restored, but in a way we are made new and we become more prepared so that one day when the train comes, we will look it in face and be ready for the hit...or maybe we will never be ready. 

my favorite scripture is found in psalm 37... delight yourself in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart. commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him, and He will act. be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. when the train is coming be still, when it hits, be still, when he is putting the pieces together and it is just the most painful experience, be still. 

and just past the train wreck, one can actually see the end of the tunnel, and there is a light coming in. it is that light we were looking for, craving, in the beginning. it is there, we just have to concur the wreck.

i think sometimes, God must feel like what he is singing.

everything about her is what i want to be right now.


i hate using caps but i just had to. this coming monday, my romania team is going to be doing an art auction and we need YOU to help. if you are an artist, we want your art. we can't pay you for it, but if you are willing to donate your beautiful creations with others, we would love you for it. please, help us. gosh, i must sound so very desperate, but truthfully i am. i know so many of you are so gifted and i just want you to participate in this thing. share your gift with us and others and help send use to romania to be able to serve others. you help us so we can help  is like a little cycle:)

thank you.

to paint?

yes, to paint. i have not touched a paintbrush in well over a year now. why? well first and foremost because painting does not come naturally to me. i know people who are just brilliant when it comes to working with paints and well, i am not so brilliant but i do like to fiddle around with art here and there. i have buttons that i have been collecting, thread, some really terrific tweed, paint, canvas, and brushes... and i have an idea.

yesterday was one of those days. it began with a funeral. someone who i have spent the past 6 years learning from passed from this life into another a week ago and yesterday was somewhat the thing that sealed the deal for many of us. i know that sounds cold but i do not mean that in an irreverent way, it was just really our last chance to whisper our goodbyes to him. our see you later. i felt so heavy during the hour and some of story sharing. i ended up pursuing grad school because he pushed and pushed until i finally applied... that selfish part of me has thought many times, "couldn't you just wait a couple more months?" i graduate in may and he was supposed to be there... well, at least i thought so. 
last night was a wonderful end to a mostly awkward day. i had dinner with my best friend robyn and an old professor who is currently in alabama. we were both reminded of how much we miss having that professor around, his ability to encourage thought is hard to come by. it was terrific how old Marler fit into our conversations.
so anywho, i think if time permits, i am going to paint something this coming week. i still have a research paper to write...

janelle: i am SOO sorry i missed lunch with you on wednesday. please forgive me and give me one more chance... like tuesday or wednesday of this week perhaps.


my weekend ended strangely. I found out that my close friend and mentor passed away suddenly. what to say...i don't know...he is free from pain and suffering now. i just had a nice lunch in the park. i was surrounded by squirrels...really, i took pictures from every direction. i suppose i will have to post them later as evidence. i spoke to chris today and he told me the viewing is thursday night and the funeral is this coming friday.

it is april 11th....

and i have to submit all of my requirements in order to graduate by the april 18th. am i terrified? yes. i have finished my last two papers, which means all i have to do is submit...but there is a problem i ran into a couple days ago. i have an incomplete showing up on my degree completion which shouldn't be there and i am trying to get it taken care of but who know where that will go and how long it will take...i am trying to keep my peace about the whole thing but well, it just seems so inconvenient. sigh...

on a happier note, my romania team had a bake sale last night and we made $120. and i got a little side job...a salon hired me to bake goodies for a coming event...who would have thought i would ever land a side job having to do with the making of food:)

i don't like getting forwards...

i remember a time when people would just email forward after forward and i got so tired of it that i ended up canceling my email account. i built a new gmail one...which is much better and now the only forwards i get are actually worth the read. i know, i know, i thought there was no such thing as a readable forward but i received one today, from my lovely sister non the less and there was a little story in it which read:

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife, enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work.

He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials.It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career. When the carpenter finished his work, the employer came to inspect the house.

He handed the front-door key to the carpenter.

"This is your house" he said, "my gift to you." The carpenter was shocked! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

So it is with us. We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then with a shock we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we'd do it much differently. But we cannot go back. You are the carpenter. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Life is a do-it-yourself project," someone has said.

Your attitudes and the choices you make today, build the "house" you live in tomorrow. Build wisely!
Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody is watching.

i was just sitting there after reading this...not really knowing what to think so i just sat there. it is so true how often times we do not put our best into life and that ends up being exactly what we get out of life. God is so capable of guiding our hands to create the most beautiful houses, even when we are weary like the old carpenter, i guess we just have to allow Him to do it.

i want a super cool little house when i grow up...

planes, planes, planes...

i have a friend named jessi with whom i have not spoken in too long...jessi, let us fix this please... i want to visit you soon.
anywho, i read her blog today and this is what it said:

Some days I feel like I am on a long flight home. Where I've been was great, but where I'm going is better. Only instead of landing when I think I'm supposed to, Air Traffic Control put my plane in a holding pattern.
Now, half the time I am actually flying 
away from home. I know Air Traffic Control can see all the weather and all the planes and all the runways better than I can, and I'm glad this keeps me safe, but..
I'm aggravated. I am not supposed to be still on the plane. Now I'm flying in long circles so I don't even know how far away I am.
I'm lucky, at least, to have a charming seat partner with whom I'm having brilliant conversation. In any other circumstances, I'd be savoring every minute of it.
But I am cramped and hungry and my delight is tainted by how much I just want to land and get off the plane.

after i read it, i chuckled a bit because i just love her honesty. oh, how i do. my eyes soon began to water up a bit. sometimes we are stuck in uncomfortable standstills...well, we convince ourselves they are...this all goes back to what roxanna had to say about those ungodly thoughts... the immediate fulfillment thing. you know, we get uncomfortable when things don't go "accordingly"... what is "accordingly" anyway?  i guess i am just learning that accordingly is totally subjective:) i like to think that God's accordingly is totally different from mine... His is way better:)
thank you, jess.


it is a great place.
so, like i said, i took a few photos today. here are a few:

the alumni one is due to the fact that i purchased my graduation cap, gown, and hood today:)

eph 1:15

it is 12:25 and i am sitting here on my lunch break just processing my thoughts. i went to the park just a few minutes ago and since i had my camera with me, i decide to snap a few shots...i don't know if they are any good but if they are, i will post a few later. this morning i spent a bit of time in prayer. eph. 1:15 had a major role in that time and it was 'real good'. i was driving to work this morning and i began singing a certain song. i have been traveling with my radio/cd player off these past few days in order to permit myself more time to just process and to pray. anywho, this song, it goes something like:

Don't let my love grow cold
I'm calling out
Light the fire again
Don't let my vision die
I'm calling out
Light the fire again

You know my heart, my deeds
I'm calling out
Light the fire again
I need Your discipline
I'm calling out
Light the fire again

I am here to buy gold
Refined in the fire
Naked and poor
Wretched and blind I come
Clothe me in white
So I won't be ashamed
Lord light the fire again

if you are reading this, i recommend you reread the lyric you just read. these words have been so deeply driven into my mind these past few days and i know there is something to them. this is one of the most recent songs i have learned to play on guitar because i want to be able to share it with my romania team when we are there. i think we all need to hear these words every once in a while because i don't know about you, but i have had many moments during my life when i have allowed my love to grow cold and my vision to die and yes, indeed i have called out to Him for his discipline and deliverance. i am not alone.

another song came to me just after the above one. this one has been on my heart a great deal these days...i think i hum the tune mostly everyday:

Jesus be the center
Be my source be my light Jesus
Jesus be the center
Be my song Jesus

Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in my sails
Be the reason that I live

Jesus Jesus
Jesus be my vision
Be my help
Be my guide Jesus

i guess i have just been doing a self evaluation and wow wee, how i crave for Him to be my center, my focus. that is the hardest thing to do but if i surrender and obey, he will take care of the rest:) today has been a good day.

so, i have to be heading back to work now...just in case you don't know, i got a new job in special collections at the honnold library, it's pretty super.

ps...when i get home tonight i am going to blog thoughts on what roxanna had to my last blog.

so, quite truthfully, i love reading blogs. i love reading stories and viewing photos and just seeing what other people are about, how they think, how they write...this can say a lot about a person, i think. anywho, i ended up reading the blog of another roxanna, spelling is a little off, but close enough and this is what she wrote in a blog...

Six Godless Beliefs

  • I must have immediate fulfillment of my needs
  • I must avoid uncomfortable situations
  • I must be treated fairly
  • I must always get things to turn out right
  • I must have approval at all times
  • I must be outstanding at whatever I do or I won't do it
and you know what, roxanna???
i absolutely agree. 
i think i may have more to say on this at a later time but i need to fully process this.