walking next to you...

today's lunch consisted of : 32 almonds, 1 peanut butter and jelly sandwich(whole wheat bread), 1 nectarine, and 1 bottle of water. i had a good day at work.

yesterday i went to church and the pastor spoke from rev. 20. he spoke about the great white throne judgement toward the end. about how many would try to get on the Father's good side by reminding Him of the good things they had done in their lives...and then He will address their motivation. He will know if a deed was done out of goodness or if it was done with a catch attached to it. that really got me thinking. actually, i spent all of today thinking about why i do things. and why people do things. 

yesterday, i was talking to my little brother and he was telling me about this girl he met, how is not important. anyway, in her past she used to cut her wrists. she has not done it in a while so her scars are beginning to fade which to me sounds like a good thing. well, he was telling me that she wants to cut again so that her scars will come back so that it can continue to be part of her testimony. i don't know how i feel about that. why does she feel motivated to keep such a dark thing in her life. those scars are not the only thing that keep her testimony alive but for some strange reason she seems to think so.

anywho, i was thinking about serving others and why we do it. right before i left for my trip to romania i went to a homeless shelter to serve food. if there is one thing i don't like it is meat. it's not for me. well, meat was the big item on the menu for the meals we prepared. i almost didn't do it. i felt really sick...the smell, looking at it...it just isn't for me. then, i was reminded why i was there in the first place. meat is not something that many people get and it contains some really important nutrients for folks who can't manage a healthy vegetarian diet. i remembered that my motivation for going in the first place was to help out and when the meat came along, it almost became about me. oh man, really just think about your motivations. why do we do what we do? do we give only because we have the expectation of receiving? do we help because we know people are watching? and this list can go on forever. 

so today i checked my motivation. seriously, even in my thoughts i thought about the motivation behind the thoughts. i really need to keep this up...

because i want to know that my motivations for my life choices are pure and true and not with any expectations or anything like that and that when i am with the Lord, He will will know the same.  i don't know if this stuff makes sense. i guess i just don't want to be motivated by superficial, unimportant things.  i want to be motivated by love.