walking next to you...

it is an important event in one's life. something that really stands out. something that means something. it has been a long time since my last post, i know. i was not too certain where to begin. i didn't know what to write, what was expected. this isn't the post i thought i was going to write but here it is. i will post again in the days to come about some things in life and how the Lord is using them to mold me but that is not for tonight. and please don't judge that i am choosing not to write about those things tonight. tonight i just want to focus on a sweet thing that i experienced yesterday and how i was so moved as a result and how my little heart was filled with so much hope. prepare yourselves to be disappointed if you are expecting something huge because it may not be for you but for myself, it was large, really grand.

the Lord has been growing my heart in many ways over the past few months. in ways unimaginable and even more so painful. i don't know if i will ever understand why i learn things the way i do but i know part of it has to do with my not so good listening skills. the Lord is working in me. and i am grateful. grateful that His love is so large that He constantly is wanting to give love to me and to teach me. and so many other things.

yesterday He gave me an unimaginable gift. i had schedule a doctor appointment and new that blood work was in my future. if you know me, you KNOW that needles are horrible to me. when i was 9 years old i had a traumatic experience with a needle and blood work and from that time it literally created an almost paralyzing fear of needles and doctor's offices/hospitals/clinics for me. my arms would tense up every time i would simply drive by one. i feel sick and faint and just horrible. just talking about it gives me anxiety. i have always known it was a head thing but was unable...perhaps unwilling to come to terms with it.

well, i went in and after being checked for all the basic things, the doctor told me they would do the blood work that day. i was shocked, i think i even sighed a bit. my heart was filled with horror and i sat there in the room by myself waiting. that is the worst part. they make you wait ten minutes before they actually do it. so you can just about pass out from the anxiety. i prayed that the Lord would just be there with me. that He would just smother me with His goodness. i know it sounds strange but i had to, if you knew what it was for me to get blood work, you would understand. well, the nurse came in and she was sweet and pregnant. as she was prepping, her little bean kicked. she began to tell me about her, she is a she, samantha. and i saw what she was doing and felt the tight rubber thing around my arm but i couldn't really focus on it because she had just captured my attention. i even felt the needle but it wasn't horrible, uncomfortable yes, but not horrible. she just kept talking and i was so with her and all of a sudden she told me to place my finger on a cotton ball. she had finished!

i was out of my mind crazy about it! when she had finished, i told her that i had just experienced one of the most significant moments of my life and i thanked her for being a part of it. she was so sweet and grateful. i was so grateful. i have wanted to concur this beast for eleven years now and have just been crippled completely by it. i don't expect you to understand it completely but it has been my nightmare for so long and yesterday, i did it. i felt like i could climb a mountain after, perhaps two. after the nurse walked out. i smiled and giggled for a second and loudly whispered, "thank you Father."

i know that this might not be your cup of tea and that is ok but see the Lord move in even the little things is powerful and moving. and it was a big thing for me. it was a sweet gift to my soul. and i just so basked and continue to do so in the goodness the Lord sent to me. i couldn't wait to call home to tell my mom that i had gotten it done, i think she was so proud of me:) i went home and she, joni, and myself celebrated with james and the giant peach. he concurred something so big too. yesterday was filled with so many unforgettable events. so many. from the moment i opened my eyes to the moment i fell asleep. my joy is deepening and i am grateful.

thank you. just thank you for reading.

good night to you. i am coming back.

love,

roxi

ps...tonight i attended a small group from church, it is new and it was really good and i am so grateful and so excited for how the Lord is going to use it in my life and hopefully how He can use me too.